Victory Engagement Seminar

Eyebrows and I attended 2 days of the Victory engagement seminar. I must say, it helped us understand things about each other that may have taken much more time and challenge to understand. In memory of our pre-marriage lessons, I thought to jot down a summary of things that struck us:


Topic: Understanding Differences

Quotable Quotes:

• "A marriage is not a joining of two worlds, but an abandoning of two worlds in order that a new one might be formed"
• "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." - Ps 139:14

Differences between Men and Women:

• Men are highly systematized, while women are highly empathetic (We can be systematized too!)
• Men are has a low ability to multitask (I totally agree! Being with a man requires patience patience patience!), while women can do several things at the same time
• Men have a high ability to control emotions, while women are easily emotional (ok, I agree with this one too... I guess being with a woman requires... well... patience patience patience!)
• Men have low relational orientation, while women have high relational orientation (what can I say, people and feelings are important to women!)
• When faced with strees, men act first then think later. Women think and feel before acting (sometimes we think and feel too much before acting! haha)
• Men have a tendency to compete with other males (oh gosh, tell me about it! I dont see why you have to be tougher or cooler than him!). Women have a tendency to cooperate with other females (It's all about spreading the love!!)

Difference in communication between Men and Women:

• Men focus on facts, while women tend to empathize the feelings behind the facts (but feelings speak a lot about facts!)
• Men solve problems one at a time, usually on their own. Women need to talk about their problems to process their thoughts (yes, i agree with this. Sometimes I cant process why I feel bad until I voice out what Im feeling)
• Men approach situations with a strong desire to make decisions and take action. Women sometimes just want to talk about how they feel about those same situations (sometimes over and over and over again! we're not looking for a solution... just voicing out feelings!)
• Men speak directly and use words literally (ok, my man is a man-MAN! haha). Women speak indirectly (I always thought men can read minds! haha)
• Men concentrate on solving the problem, women want to know HOW the problem will be solved (well ofcourse! it cant just solve itself, right?)

Difference in motivation between Men and Women

• Men are motivated by conquest, women are motivated by nurture
• Men are motivated by work and accomplishments (sometimes women can too!), women are motivated by the people they care about

Difference in provision and security between Men and Women

• Men provide financially, women provide the emotional security of a peaceful home
• Men look for respect and admiration from their wife (good thing theres a lot to respect and admire about Eyebrows - naks!). Women look for love expressed through words and actions.

Each of us is different and uniquely created by God! Our differences are all a part of God's perfect design, so love your partner for all that he/she is.

Learn to:

1. Appreciate - do not expect or compare
2. Accept - it is not your job to change your partner
3. Adjust - learn to compromise

Topic: Roles of Husband and Wife

Quotable Quotes:

• "Many marry expecting their spouse to do what onle God can do."
• "Headship does not mean the husband is right. It means he is the steward."
• "No woman in their right mind would not submit to a husband who loves her like Christ loved the church."
• Woman says: "I trust you to act, to move and to lead"
• "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." - Eph 5:33

Husband - LEADER
Roles: To love his wife GENTLY and unconditionally

1. Protect - A mans role is to protect his family, not just physically but also emotionally. It is to ensure that no intruder harms his wife and children in any way
2. Provide - It is to financially provide to his family.
3. Guide (Spiritually) - A family looks up to the man for spiritual guidance

Wife - HELPMATE
Roles: To respect her husband

1. Submit - A womans role is to humble herself and allow her husband to take the lead. An ideal wife is one that is quiet, confident and nurturing.
2. Support - It is to support the endeavours of her husband and children. It is to trust her husband. To give him respect, praise and prayer.
3. Assist - It is to assist her husband is raising a family
4. Encourage - It is to encourage her family to be the best that they can be, to cheer them on and allow them to reach their full potential.

Topic: Communication
Quotable Quotes:

• "Be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry. " - James 1:19
• "A gently answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stirs up anger." - Proverbs 15:1

Notes to remember:

1. Men generally use their right brain, so they speak very logically and literally. Women use both sides of their brain, so they can logically verbalize their emotions if they try. Women tend to want men to seek them out and know how they have been offended. Remember that not even men can read minds. (Wouldn't it be so much easier if they can?? I need an Edward Cullen -- hehehe)
2. The key to a marraige is to constantly communicate. Never allow your marraige to become silent.
3. Communication involves attention. It is not just about being physically present, each person must be mentally focused on the conversation.
4. Communication is the successful exchange of emotions and ideas. Successful means both partners understand what each is trying to say.
5. Men handle stress by going into their "nothing box". A nothing box is their special place where they do or think about.... nothing. Unlike women, for men nothing really does mean nothing. (Gosh, this is probably one of the key things I learned from the seminar -- never thought doing nothing was actually doing something... men are so strange.)
6. Women handle stress by talking about their emotions. Women feel the need to verbalize their emotions to realize their thoughts (Its probably why I cant understand why Eyebrows' sometimes does nothing when he's stressed -- when Im stressed I talk and talk and think and think. I cant understand how a man can just.... seem to not care. Men are so strange. hehe)
7. When communicating, men look for the bottomline while women dwell on the details. (What good is a story if there are no details??)
8. A man's mind is compartmentalized, while a woman's mind is a chain of interconnected ideas and thoughts

Common problems in communication:

1. Lack of communication
2. Miscommunication - dont stop at the difference, you need to be able to understand what he/she is trying to say

Topic: Intimacy
Quotable Quotes:

• "The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do no deprive each other except by mutal consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

Woman's 5 basic needs:

1. Affection - Women need to be constantly reminded of the love their husband has for them. Love for a woman is not only provision or loyalty, it consists of loving words and sweet actions. Affection in a marriage leads to a woman knowing that her husband will take care and protect her. It builds security in a marriage.
2. Conversation - true conversation involves undivided attention. Helpful hints: (a) develop an interest in your partner's hobby, (b) balance conversation between both parties, (c) recall your early relationship as a couple together
3. Honesty and Openess - It is trust that is built over time, that her husband will tell her the truth even if it hurts. It is knowing that your partner believes that you can handle even painful truths. This builds emotional security. (Gosh, this reminds me of a couple who's relationship is built on a webn of lies. So sad.)
4. Financial Support
5. Family Commitment - This is the assurance that her husband is committed to her and their children no matter what. That divorce, annulment or separation is never an option. This builds security in a woman

Man's 5 basic needs:

1. Sexual fulfillment - men are visual, women are emotional. Sex for a woman brings about an emotional closeness to her husband. Sex for a woman begins at the start of the day, it is connected to how she feels towards her husband. Sex for a man is something that he just needs. (I still dont understand this.... need more explanation please?
2. Recreational companionship - A woman must put effort in taking interest in her husband's hobbies and join him.
3. An attractive spouse - Like mentioned, men are visual beings. No matter how much they love you, they are never blinded by love. So make an effort to look good. In a man's dreams, he imagines going home to a clean home and beautiful wife. Do not disappoint.
4. Domestic support - A wife must build a home for the family, a place for refuge and security away from the stresses of life. A man must be able to look forward to coming home to a clean and loving haven.
5. Admiration - A man needs his wife to look up at him. Self esteem comes from the home

Common problems in intimacy:

1. Failure to care / meet the emotional need
2. Failure to protect

So... all in all it was an enjoyable seminar. No heavy stuff, and lots of laughing. Key things I think Eyebrows got out of it: My partner listens to pastors more that me... bring her to a pastor if you want to tell her something. hahahaha!! But seriously, for Eyebrows it was probably: treat her gently. For me, it was oh so much! I don’t think there WAS a bottomline. Forgive me, I am a woman... but let me try in a few words: men and women are naturally different, men like to lead and conquer, and the nothing box.